Hate Crime Lunacy: The Elephant in the Room
New Orwellian Misogyny Policy Ignores Issues With Trans & Islam
In a progressive move, an elephant flanked Home Secretary Yvette Cooper as she proudly announced Labour's new initiative to classify online misogyny against ducks as extremism.
At least, it might have been an elephant.
Daisy the Duck isn't really an elephant at all but a duck trapped in an elephant's body. Cruelly assigned the species of "elephant" at birth, Daisy now identifies as duck/quack. Wearing an artificial beak and growling a gruff quack, Daisy insists on being treated as a duck - all 15,000 pounds of him. Even the cis-ducks in Daisy's path know not to treat him differently by getting out of his way.
Most animals nod - and get squished - in agreement.
In a show of unity with Daisy the Elephant-born Duck, many elephants start every conversation by informing everyone in the room that they are elephants. The Ducks soon join. Other animals nod with affirmation. They sign off their emails with 'elephant' and wear a great big badge stating as much.
A small minority of animals struggle to understand why Daisy, who tramples cis-ducks in her path, should be considered a duck. But their safety concerns are stomped out just as swiftly as the ducks.
This gives many elephants a warm, tingling feeling. Many of them come to realise that they, too, are ducks.
Daisy's identification causes confusion and harm among the other animals. They are wrong. To prove this, the Olympics allowed two elephant-born ducks to stomp on ducks for entertainment. Both heroic elephants ducks won gold and were the only boxers to win every match 5-0.
The elephants - including those commentating on the games for the BBC - danced gleefully with every punch.
Prime Minister Keir Starmer, a pig ever keen on inclusivity, has made it clear that anyone who refuses to embrace this new order will be dealt with harshly. The dissenters, unwilling to wear labels that declare their true species, are swiftly rounded up by the animal police and silenced.
To the other side of Yvette Cooper stood a duck. Another duck, I should say, because the first elephant is clearly a duck, you bigot.
Lily the Duck - at least, we think she is a duck - keeps mostly hidden behind a thick state-approved curtain. This veil, meant to preserve her dignity, also shields her from the gaze of elephants. Only her eyes peek out. We are assured, however, that Lily is just as much an animal as any other—equal in every way.
Lily is nothing if not a right-minded citizen.
In fact, half of all British elephants of her religion believe that 'ducks should always obey their elephants.' In its commitment to tackling extremist misogyny, Labour has pledged to welcome many more elephants with these beliefs from around the world.
An estimated 43% of the immigrants in the UK share this belief. In Southeast Asia, 93% of elephants insist a duck obey their elephant.
It is indeed a triumph, for if we act quickly, keeping ducks behind curtains could soon become the norm. It is our firm hope that - if nobody can see the ducks behind their curtains - no one can commit extreme misogyny against them.
The ducks aren’t allowed to drive. This is to stop elephants committing misogyny against them when they drive badly. Because the elephants believe that the ducks are bad drivers.
One of the most progressive parts of this new dawn of equality is the two tier system. It means that an elephant who repeatedly rapes an 11-year-old child escapes prison because his duck doesn’t speak English…but when a duck writes something inflammatory online - then promptly deletes it - we throw her in prison.
Lily and Daisy's parents hated each other, but like Romeo and Juliet, the veiled duck and trans duck have fallen in love (although Daisy can’t visit Lily’s home country, lest he be thrown off a roof). Together, they lead stampedes, calling for the deaths of those who don't conform, such as Shmuly the Elephant and
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